How long has it been since your last haircut? Yikes, you’re awful! Not to worry. Summer is coming, but, luckily, keeping curly hair moisturized is incredibly simple. Let me just figure out what we’re working with.

First off, what kind of shampoo are you using? What are you, an idiot? That stuff is loaded with sulfates! Sulfates are code for “chemicals that strip your hair of its natural moisture, basically starving it to death.” I know, right? Not sure how it’s legal. Anyway, you should obviously be using a tea-tree-oil shampoo from Thailand. It’s three ounces to a bottle, and each bottle is a hundred dollars. I’ll add it to your bag.

O.K., next, a conditioner—you’re going to want something that’s medium-weight. You’re a 2c curl pattern, right? You don’t know? You do know your blood type, right? Social Security number? Well, you’re definitely a 2c. So don’t get anything too heavy that will weigh your hair down, but also don’t get anything too light that won’t moisturize it enough. Do you like the “wet look?” It almost doesn’t matter. I’ll add the Curlicious Curlvacious Curl Conditioner to your bag and subscribe you to a 2c mailing list.

And you absolutely need a styling gel. Um, it’s like a conditioner—maybe read a book? The trick is that you have to apply a dime-sized amount right when you turn the shower off to prevent buildup. And make sure you also pat it dry with a microfibre towel. What’s a microfibre towel? You don’t deserve love. Adding it to the bag!

What sort of replenishing products do you use? You know, for adding moisture throughout the day? Nothing? I will throw you off a bridge. Let me recommend this, it’s an ultra-hydrating mousse-whip oil. Every third hour, you squeeze a Monopoly-race-car-sized amount onto the tips of your fingers (right hand), and then dab your ends with it. Once the moisture is sealed in, you can never, ever touch your hair again for as long as you live, otherwise it’ll frizz out.

How do you dry your hair? NO DIFFUSER? You are a Shrek. Diffusers are essential! We sell a special one that’s heat-sensitive, so when your blow-dryer is getting too hot, it will physically explode to prevent you from accidentally scalding your curls and depriving them of the moisture that they rightly deserve. For a little extra, we’ll throw in goggles, in case the diffuser explodes toward your eye.

And what do you do use for blowouts? A regular comb? If you had a puppy, I would eat it—live, whole—in front of you, just to watch you suffer. I mean, your poor curls are crying out, “Mama! Mama! Give me moisture! Milk, mama, I want milk!” You’re sick! You obviously need a round brush. No, that one’s too wide, you stupid idiot! Not that one—are you kidding me? That’s way too narrow! You need one that is the exact diameter of a Corona bottle—and, yes, before you interrupt me, it must be Corona with the lime. Popping it in the bag.

Lastly, what do you do with your curls when you go to bed? You. Sleep. On. A. Pillow?! GET OUT! You are intentionally depriving your hair of both moisture and joie de vivre! Give me a second or I will throw this salon chair at you. O.K.—to answer your question, yes, you have to protect curls even when you’re asleep, you LUNATIC. I mean, what if, in the dead of night, there’s a moisture siege, and suddenly all the moisture that you thought you had accumulated throughout the day is ripped away from you, spiralling up and away on the last chopper out of Saigon? That is why you MUST use a silk bonnet. God, didn’t your mother teach you anything?! Into the bag it goes. I hate you.

See, maintaining beautifully moisturized curls couldn’t be simpler! Your total is $2,689.50. We only take cash.